Life with our son was a dream. Life changed a lot – but it was all good changes, and we welcomed them all. Many people asked me if I found the adjustment difficult. And honestly I really didn’t. I think that was one of the effects of waiting so long for a child. By the time he came, we had so much room in our hearts and minds for him, that any changes we made didn’t seem like a big deal. The biggest change was that I eventually quit by job. That was a hard change. Or rather – it was a hard decision to make, but once it was made – that was easy, too.  
But then we got to some not easy things again. Soon after our son was born, we felt that there was another face that was supposed to be in our family. He was supposed to have a sibling. Once he was about 1 1/2 years old, we thought maybe we should start trying. We were hopeful. After all – things turned out so well with our son, right? We did get pregnant again – quite easily. And for a minute, I thought maybe we were all done. If I could ride out those nine months – we would have it. We would have our family.
But soon after finding out that we were pregnant, I knew something wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling it. Anything. I got so sick with our son, and I wasn’t feeling any nausea at all this time. I know every pregnancy is different, and I tried to encourage myself that way. However, deep down I knew that this one wasn’t gong to work. I went around for two weeks waiting for the worst to happen. I was a nervous wreck. I knew I was going to miscarry again – it was just a matter of time.  
I was right.
This experience was so different because of the different reactions Seth and I had. For me – once it happened – I was almost relieved. I knew it would happen, so once it did, I could move forward. Yes – I was sad, but nowhere near the desperation I felt before. The only reason for that was that we had our son. This miscarriage made me even more thankful for him and for the life we had now. Also – i just couldn’t go back to the dark place. I wouldn’t let myself.  
It was harder for Seth. He had to grieve.  
Watching him grieve was the hardest part of it for me. You never want your spouse, the person you love the most, to be sad. I knew he would be ok. He knew he would be ok, too. We both just needed to give him time to work through it. And when he was through the worst of it, I let myself grieve, too.
My grief came some time later, though. It was when I really realized that we probably weren’t going to have anymore children. Things were not happening (despite one more last-hope surgery I had – surgery #4), and I was slowly realizing that I didn’t have a lot of fight left in me. I couldn’t and didn’t want to do it anymore. We went to the doctor one more time to see what our options were. The doctor laid out some possibilities and talked through things, but everything in me said, “No. Way.”
I was done. I was done with the medicines, with the surgeries, and the procedures. I was done going through the emotional journey of trying to get pregnant, and – to be honest – and didn’t think I could emotionally go through another pregnancy after the last miscarriage. We left the doctors office, and I cried the entire way home.
But these were different kinds of tears. Yes – I was sad that I was officially closing the door on this. However, there was such a relief with the certainty of knowing I was done. On the fertility journey – there is always one more thing you can do – one more thing you can try. I was always up for it because well – what if it worked? However, this time I was sure. No. That’s it. We’re done.
I was so relieved and so appreciative that Seth agreed with me. And the weight of pressure left me. We closed the chapter on this, and we were 100% at peace with the decision.
But the story is not done yet.  
In fact – the day after this appointment something big happened.  
Something mysterious.
Something that now makes so much sense.
For now I’ll just say, God changed our hearts.