Ok.  I’m doing this.  I’m going to write.  I’m going to share.  I’m doing this.

This is rather frightening to me because what if –

1. No one reads this

– or even more frightening – what if –

2. People read this.

Whatever.  I’m doing this.

So what am I doing exactly?  I’m going to write and share.  I’m going to write a huge part of my story that has already been written and try to delve into my yet unwritten story.  No – I havn’t been writing a novel in all my spare time that I’m about to share with you (although the character of Agnes Lou Stankelwitz is still rolling around in my mind grapes).  I’m writing my story – my life story – specifically the story of trying to add children to our family.

I realize that I may have lost you right there.  Who wants to read another (or any) blog about that?

I don’t know.  Maybe no one.

But – if there are people out there who need/want to read this because they have sat in doctor’s offices, been poked and prodded more times than they can count, have taken millions of drugs that have turned them into hormonal monsters, and who have walked around like a zombie in their own life because they don’t know what to do anymore – then maybe this will make you feel like you are not alone.  Because I’ve been there.  Man – have I been there.

And I have come out the other side.

My story is simply that.  My story.  I don’t pretend to know what everyone else has gone through, and I realize that my story has an extremely happy ending (even though that isn’t the right word – because the birth of my son was the most amazing beginning) that might turn away people who have not reached that yet.  But I do know this.

When I was in the thick of it, when I was the saddest, most confused, and angry, it was the people who had gone through similar things that helped me the most.  They encouraged me, prayed for me,  and loved me.  We were members of a rather dreary club – but those members gave me so much support and validation to all of my feelings that it kept me sane.  If I can be that person for someone – well, then that’s the least I can do.

For those of you who have not gone through this – or a version of this – well you should read this, too.  Chances are you know someone who has gone through infertility and miscarriages.  And trust me – you need to have some insight on what they are going through.  You need to have an idea of how to talk to them, to pray for them, or when to give them space if they need it.

Why am I doing this now?  As I look back over the last 7 years – when things didn’t make sense and when I was the most confused –  things are now starting to come into focus.  I’m starting to understand.  I see God’s plan, and I see how He was with me through all of it.  Let me tell you – when you see that – it’s exciting.  I have looked through a lot of my old prayer journals – and it’s amazing to see how God has answered those prayers.  I’m going to share some of them with you.  I want you to see it too.  I want to share them because I don’t want to forget that God’s plan is perfect.  God’s ways are not my ways.  God’s timing is not my timing.  And really – as I look how life has unfolded – thank God for that.

And I need to remember it.  I need to remember it because we’re about to do something big.  Something life-changing.  Something I didn’t think I would ever do.

What is it?

Well – it would be nice if I told you, but it would certainly be a lot less fun.

You’ll find out – but first I want to show you the first part of the story and how God got us to this part of the story.  Let’s see. . . How far back should I go . . . .

Yep – I’m doing this.