After nearly 2 years, we decided to see a specialist.  
By this time, I actually was starting to have some weird symptoms that maybe something was off. So off we went. Well – this time – we found something. I had a fibroid. It may sound strange, but I was thrilled to find this out. Yes – I was going to have to have a surgery, but it was a minor one. And maybe – once I did that – things would finally work! Yes – a reason! Yes – a plan!
The surgery was easy – I only missed one day of work. And afterwards – I felt so optimistic, I even let myself start to peek at the baby section at Target. I let myself start to dream. And Seth and I started to make plans to build our house because this will work……right?!?!?  
Again – we didn’t worry about it right away. We gave some time to let my body heal and we were building our house – what an exciting distraction! Building the house became more than a distraction, though. It’s strange, but I think it also became our sanity. So many people talk about how stressful it is to build a house, but we felt the opposite. We had control of building our house. We decided something, and it happened. Wow – so easy.  
So – building our house and seeing things happen made Seth and I feel like we were getting a little life back. We had so much fun picking out finishings, imagining life, and day-dreaming what room would be the nursery. The doctor told us to give it another year before going back, so we felt foot-loose and fancy free. However, as the months did indeed go by, the doubts and worry started to settle back into their old comfortable (?) places. 
And while building the house was still fun, it also started to look too big. What if there were no children in the rooms? What if this great child-friendly neighborhood would be too painful to live in because we would have no children to raise in it? Were we crazy to do this? Were we going to resent this house because we weren’t going to be able to live the life we wanted to in it?  
We were 2 years into it the journey and we were still hopeful, but we also started to think that maybe we were still at the beginning. With those mixed feelings – Seth, Lucy, and I moved into our new house, and we prayed and prayed that God would answer our prayers soon.
And even as I’m writing these posts – I feel like they are moving too fast. I have gone through 2 years in 2 posts. That doesn’t relate to you how long 2 years can feel. The tears and the disappointing results month after month after month. Going through that 24 times with no answer as to when or if it will end is draining. So draining.

So what happens to you emotionally when
. . . every time you open Facebook, and someone is showing off their baby bump,
. . . every time the story line in the show you are watching turns to the main character having a baby,
. . . every time you get another shower invitation,
. . . every time someone celebrates a baptism in church,
. . . every time everyone gets pregnant but you,
. . . every time you lie to yourself and say you won’t get your hopes up this month but then your stupid heart does anyway,
. . . And you schedule your entire life around this thing that isn’t happening and may never happen?
What happens?
Well – I don’t know what happens to everyone else, but I really started to isolate myself. Seth and I together. We isolated ourselves together. I know this journey can really be hard on marriages, and I can understand why, but Seth and I leaned more on each other than ever before. We understood. We loved. And we grew together.  

But our relationships with everyone else suffered.

There were many times we couldn’t bring ourselves to socialize with people. We couldn’t make ourselves go to that party. We couldn’t hang out with those people. We couldn’t face church that day. We didn’t want to see anyone else because we just couldn’t. Yes – we are introverts by nature, but it wasn’t just that. We were about self-preservation by that point. I’m sorry to those people that we may have seem cold to or snubbed (even those we loved the most).

But honestly – I don’t think we could have done more than we did.